


Hardest of Hearts

by NFWMB



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Fire Emblem: Three Houses Blue Lions Route, Getting Together, M/M, No Spoilers, Post-Time Skip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 18:35:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20430551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NFWMB/pseuds/NFWMB
Summary: All that Byleth knew was fighting and death, then he came to monastery and he learned of care and living.





	Hardest of Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> Writing this was like a fever dream because, I tried to shoehorn every idea to this one fic when I could just write more fics and properly explore what I wanted to but no, have this half baked garbage instead. I hate it, thank.
> 
> Also I didn't want to revisit any conversation that happened in game, I felt like overall all their interaction were so freaking good, i wouldn't give it justice trying to rewrite it.

He never understood Dedue, how can one person devote their entire being to someone, to be ready throw away their own values, morals and their life for them. But Byleth figured he didn't have any right to judge. As mercenary he didn't have many values to speak of, selling his sword and his life for a few gold coins, moral compass in shape of his father. He didn't understand much about the world and living, but he knew death. Death isn't hard, living is harder. 

He never was careless on the battlefield, but if somebody asked him if there is anybody who would he die for, he would answer that there isn't a person he wouldn't. Death just a business partner, coin for a life - simple transaction and someday he also will be the currency exchanged. Death isn't hard.

So when he lays broken and bloody on the bottom of the canyon, he surprises himself. Death with it's arms spread as if greeting old friend is waiting for him and he can't,  _ won't _ go return the embrace. His consciousness slips from him, and he dreams. 

Of warm smiles and thunderous laughs echoing on the stone walls of monastery. Of extraordinary meals he tasted for a first time, so many new ingredients and spices used under the guiding hand of Ashe, shared in comfortable silences as well as amusing conversations. 

He dreams of warm porcelain under his fingertips, colorful patterns spreading on the delicate white, sweet aroma of cookies Mercedes baked for him. He never knew sweets could have so many shapes and forms. Tea leaves gifted by Ferdinand slowly steeping and filling the air with soothing scent as he patiently listens to worries of his students.

His fingers stained with dirt as he carefully works in greenhouse in the quiet and comforting companionship of Dedue, hands guiding and strong but infinitely gentle. He never could stop himself from eating very first harvest, wiping dirty tomato into his cloak and taking a bite, juice staining his sleeve.

In his dreams he can hear the soft irritated noises Seteth makes as they sit side by side and fish, basking in first spring sun. Clicking of tongue as Seteth strains against the fish, water splashing on his boots. He hears the mumbled words of Mariannes prayers as he stands beside her, marvelling in the beauty of the stained glass, always returning to watch the play of light creating most astonishing colors he saw.

He dreams of waking up in the fading light of candles, painting library with intimate oranges and yellows, Linhardt gently teasing as both of them pack their books and walk together back to dormitories with easy conversation, quiet goodnights exchanged. 

Vivid image of his classroom appears, focused faces of his students, diligently listening and working. Immense pride fills his chest, it might burst. The brooch Dimitri gifted him shines near his heart and it feels like it's going to pierce him like a balloon. Every emotion rushing out like air for everyone to see. 

He hears the clash of weapons before he sees Felix and Sylvain sparring, their moves focused and playful at the same time. Training grounds busy with noises of fight and conversation, metal against metal and boots scraping on stone floor. Even all this commotion comforted him, sounds he was familiar from childhood surrounding him.

Byleth sees his father, Jeralt is talking to Leonie and when he looks at his son there is easy smile on his face that crinkles corners of his eyes. Jeralt looks happy, truly happy for him and Byleth aches and aches. He would give anything to feels his arms around him one more time.

Dimitri is in his dreams, proud and smiling, kind and beautiful. Dimitri is in his dreams, broken and heartless, merciless and cold-blooded.

He wakes to the voice of Sothis and with heavy heart he makes his way back to monastery, wondering what became of his students and what will become of him. After his reunion with Dimitri he thinks that maybe he understands Dedue a bit more. 

* * *

Byleth is woken by hands on his back, gently shaking him, "Professor, you are going to hurt yourself if you sleep whole night in a chair." Dimitri with soft voice and even softer hands scolds him, concern etched in his face. 

Byleth brought his work to the dining hall, that was now empty and quiet, his own candles burnt out. At first, he wasn't sure of his decision to move here, but when he sat down at the table tucked in the corner he actually felt at ease. Rush around him relaxed him more then the uncomfortable silence in his own room. 

"You already looked over these reports so many times, you should take same proper rest." He walks around the table, hastily pilling the papers into one stack, disregarding mute protests of his professor. Byleth has the mind to tell him that he is not one to speak of resting, instead he reaches for his wrist.

This startles Dimitri, stops him and he raises his head towards his professor, he catches the second the blank expression of his professor changes into something much warmer, almost like longing. Just for a moment, but it was there, it must have been.

"Sit with me," Byleth pulls him closer, gesturing to a chair next to him. "please."

And of course Dimitri obliges, with a dramatic swoop of his cloak he makes his way to the chair. They sit in silence, Dimitri waits for Byleth to say something, why else would he ask of his company than to discuss something, but only sound in the room is conversation flowing in from outside. Broken syllables and muffled laughs of strangers their only company until Dimitri can't take it. 

"I am nervous about our next mission," he settles for a safest topic he could think of "but I am sure that under your guidance we will be victorious even in taking Fort Merceus."

It feels like a pathetic conversation starter, he expressed similar sentiment countless times. Dimitri wants to say more, and certainly this would be good opportunity to express what he was holding back for long time. He can hear the world moving outside but it feels like the time itself stopped just for them, for him to have this moment with his professor. Alone, room illuminated just by light creeping in from outside, sitting so close to each other that he can hear every breath Byleth takes, scene so intimate. Dimitri wants to reach and bury his hand in his hair, he realizes he never touched Byleth outside of training and battle.

There's love stuck in his body and he can't get it out, sticks to his tongue, won't come out of his mouth. He hopes it doesn't show on his face for he is undeserving of harboring such feelings, let alone giving them voice.

"I am leaving." Byleth takes a deep breath, he needs to speak of this, bring it into existence before he changes his mind.

"What? I - I don't understand what do you mean?" Dimitri sharply turns to Byleth, unconsciously moves his body to the edge of the chair, voice rising higher and higher. 

"After the war, I am going to leave." Byleth looks him in the eye, hardness in his own as to say to not even try to change his mind.

"And go where?"

"Don't know, anywhere but here." He has yet to think of where to go and what to do. But as of now he feels like he is just treading water, rooted in one place while everybody is moving in tireless pace forward. He can't keep up, no matter how hard he tries. He lost five years, during which everybody worked towards their own goals, learned how to live without the monastery and him. The war is only thing holding them together and even if he wants to cling to this he knows it has no future.

"I didn't know you despised it here so much that you would take the first opportunity to run from me." Dimitri casts his eye aside, fingers grip the wood so hard that any minute it would give way for his hand to curl in fist. 

"It's the opposite." Byleth is unsure if he should continue, expose his worries and fears but he can't let Dimitri think that somehow this is his doing. There is also a fact that Dimitri opened up to him countless times, reached for him in his struggles, shared with him his thoughts and not doing the same would feel dishonest. 

"Nobody has a future here," it takes him a second to gather his thoughts and then another one to catch full attention of Dimitri, waits for their eyes to meet before he continues. "Everyone will leave and I will be first one for I  _ can't _ be last."

The future where he is going to stay and watch every one of his former students leave is unbearable one, it will be easier if he leaves first. No farewells to say, just to slink back to obscurity where he came from. Cut off the things that he cares about just so they can't hurt him.

"This struggle within me is selfish," the second Byleth lays his hand on Dimitris his fingers release the wood that sighs with relief, "because I would choose war over peace where I have no place at your side." Byleth retreats his hand, prepares himself to leave, he said too much.

Dimitri stops him, hands tugging him back to the chair, trapping him between his legs. They are even closer to each other then before, Dimitri never letting go of his hands, pulling them in his lap, looking at them like they hold the world.

"I also keep thinking of future, of every and any way I could keep you by my side, keep you in my life." Dimitri falls silent and then he squeezes once, twice and doesn't let go of his tight hold.

"I would also choose war ridden world over peaceful one where I have no light in my life." These words are so quiet, Byleth makes sure to hold his breath so he doesn't miss anything.

"I know you will never love me, but to have you by my side as a mentor or a friend or anything that you desire - that would be enough." 

Dimitri finally admitted this unwanted affection. Hand was ripped from his hold. He expected to feel that cool leather when the hand was coming down to strike him but Byleth only caresses his cheek.

"Say it." Byleth raises his head and Dimitri feels his breath get stuck in his lungs. He never saw such an expression on a face of his former professor, so unguarded, raw yearning in his eyes. "Please, say it clearly."

"I love you." Byleths posture breaks a little bit, slumping forward his forehead almost rests on Dimitris shoulder, he heaves out one heavy breath after another just to straighten himself up.

"Dimitri, I am no sure what love is," Dimitri panics at these words and Byleth must see it on his face because he smiles a small smile and squeezes his hand same way Dimitri did before "but I can tell you for certain that my desire is to never leave you. I fight so I can live for you, with you. If there is future to be had I want to walk into it at your side, as your equal."

"Byleth, can I kiss you?" It's first time he addressed him by his name, and it feels like dreaming. Dimitri indulged in such fantasies in his time of weakness. Fantasies where Dimitri is not a weak and broken man and is worthy of this love, fantasies where his love was reciprocated. Byleth doesn't answer, just leans in, closes his eyes. Everything Dimitri wanted is just a breath away and he closes that distance, after all he was told him he is supposed to live for what he believes in.

It's sweet and slow, soft lips moving under his own, hand hesitantly reaching for back of neck. He wants more but there is also fear that he will cross boundaries so he lets Byleth lead, pull him closer and closer until their shared air is not enough and they have to break apart.

Byleth laughs, just short quiet sound and Dimitri feels like his heart blooms in his chest. 

"Forgive me, I'm not experienced in these matters." Byleth says all bashful, lips wet and red with even redder cheeks. His eyes are twinkling and Dimitri never in his life saw anything more beautiful.

"After all these years, you still wear the brooch." Dimitri gestures at the gleaming lion on his chest.

"Of course, Blue Lions are my heart after all."


End file.
